“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
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I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.