@jake_likes_naps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

You Might Also Like

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

@jake_lach

I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE

@Im_Tricia

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

@sploosk

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@ThisOneSayz

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

@DomComedy

If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.

@mattgallo123

Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.