The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*picks up frog*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.
Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.