“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
You Might Also Like
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!