“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

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“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day


Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama


I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.


What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”


There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.


To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.


Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal


I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!


when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo