Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
The glory of fall.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Practicing safe sax
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.