Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.