Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
You Might Also Like
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
never ask a starfish for directions