@bea_ker: Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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@TheToddWilliams: [blind date] HER: I love sports! ME: Uh…me too HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
@sonictyrant: [toon world police department] Chief of police: describe the explosive device? Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger
@TheTweetOfGod: Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I'm saying to you.
@AmberTozer: The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I'll probably fall in love with it any minute