@bea_ker

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

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@mojo_bones_

My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana

@belleykell

It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists

@Tmoney68

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

@better_off_dad2

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

@pilau

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

@KeetPotato

[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@iwearaonesie

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

@Darlainky

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.