My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.