[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware