Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.