I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
You Might Also Like
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
every single time
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.