dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
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I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Blew my mind.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe