“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her: