“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two