just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
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ME: So, was I a good person on earth?
GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding
GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing
ME: Yeah, that’s bad
GOD: And not even just to dance songs either
ME: Okay I get it
GOD: You barely got in here
– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[ from bed ]
damnit it didn’t work again
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]