@PlainTravis

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

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@Home_Halfway

ME: So, was I a good person on earth?

GOD: Mostly

ME: Mostly?

GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding

ME: So?

GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing

ME: Yeah, that’s bad

GOD: And not even just to dance songs either

ME: Okay I get it

GOD: You barely got in here

@Mr_Kapowski

– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@carbsley

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

@Mom_Overboard

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

@sock_holliday

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]