Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
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Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Who called it baking and not making love
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?