Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)