@fro_vo

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

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@MNateShyamalan

me: pavlov’s dogs were so dumb lol. drooling cuz you hear a bell? what’re you, hungry for bells?

uber eats: zero delivery fee on taco bell orders over $30 for the next 3 minutes

me: i could really go for precisely 17 crunchwrap supremes immediately

@oxygenplug

Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours

@crunchenhancer

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

@Sal_Stevens

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

@TheRealPalMal

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

@EJGomez

me: annie are you ok
so annie are you ok
are you ok annie
(X5)

girl [wearing name tag that says annie]: sir will it be paper or plastic

@that1bish27

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer