* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
oh my god
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I can also cook 😂