@amishschool

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

- @amishschool

You Might Also Like

@Donna_McCoy

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

@thatdutchperson

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

@jensrmk

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

@DecantAndPour

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.

@yonewt

Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects

@laurab3

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

@Divergentmama

[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.

@joejwest

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

@mrjohndarby

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?