A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Barbie gone wild
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.