“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
You Might Also Like
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership