Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

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Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!


To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…


Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different


You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…


T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said


My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.


If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.


A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…