@TheDairylandDon

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

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@ficklenuts

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

@MomofTeen

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

@EyeSeeYou619

[First Date]

HIM: So, you like Star Wars.
ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don’t have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*

@infinitesimull

Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.

@sploosk

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.

@13spencer

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

@ErrenMichaels

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

@lmegordon

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

@Storminika

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?