@jackiembouvier
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
@TheDairylandDon
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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@jackiembouvier
@MomOnFire
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
@weinerdog4life
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
@comes_night
Call me a burglar, except all I take is things personally.
@heidi420x
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
@TrueDee
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
@dksc4life
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
@HousewifePlus
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
@LindzThoughts
If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.
@Dani_Feld
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…