@ficklenuts My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
@TheDairylandDon Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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@ficklenuts 
@MomofTeen Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
@EyeSeeYou619 [First Date]
HIM: So, you like Star Wars.
ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don’t have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*
@infinitesimull Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.
@sploosk If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.
@13spencer After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
@ErrenMichaels You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
@lmegordon My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
@Storminika You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?