@huntigula

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

- @huntigula

You Might Also Like

@prodigis

whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record

@PleaseBeGneiss

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

@chuuew

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

@nappydolemite

This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.

@mulva74

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@ThrillHicks

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

@bathflyer

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

@fightgeek

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.