Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
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Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
scares
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?