Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
You Might Also Like
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.