If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”