-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
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The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
A Short Story.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes