@purplefuzzygirl

Damn boy! Are you a slinky?

Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.

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@preritpathak

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

@kDuncanG

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

@flashember

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

@TheOneTrueDisco

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

@sadgirlkms

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

@geraintgriffith

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

@ThatFellaKev

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

@JeauxAlejandro

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.