So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.