@Elizasoul80

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

You Might Also Like

@euanDroberts

And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@DjKC_117

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

@fro_vo

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

@caithuls

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

@Awesome_Todd

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

@NotTodayEric

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

@TheAndrewNadeau

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

@NamikTan

Donald Trump’s “perfect” letter to Santa. Via @NewYorker