Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
me and my fake scenarios
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.