And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
You Might Also Like
How not to sell a phone – Level 100
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Google Pay be like:
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Jim Carrey: all righty then
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Donald Trump’s “perfect” letter to Santa. Via @NewYorker