I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
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My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I only want what’s best for the squirrels.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I haven’t relaxed since about 2003, so none of this is on me.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO: so should i download it