Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
You Might Also Like
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
it was love at first sight
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The Birdles
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance