Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

You Might Also Like


I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]


My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.


The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH


I haven’t relaxed since about 2003, so none of this is on me.


I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.


[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence


“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes


[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.



12YO: so should i download it