@Marlebean

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

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@stevevsninjas

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

@robin_991

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

@SamWhyte

I haven’t relaxed since about 2003, so none of this is on me.

@pilau

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

@sexypitabread

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

@StoneAgeRadio13

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it