Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
same bro
True
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?