Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
The Compass
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//