Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Body by cheese-puffs.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Yup!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!