Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Growing up was a huge mistake
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.