HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
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Ladies, if he says he would go to the “end of the earth” for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.