@Marlebean

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

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@QwertyJones3

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Ladies, if he says he would go to the “end of the earth” for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.

@House_Feminist

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

@birbigs

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

@ThisLocalHater

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

@CatsVsHumanity

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

@yonewt

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

@EternalDago

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

@velweb

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.