Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

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“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog


My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history


I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.


Ladies, do you think you’re hip and cool? Do you think you’re stylish? If so, having a teenage daughter may help clear these delusions from your head.


A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.


My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?


Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.