Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
You Might Also Like
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.