@CJhooray

“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”

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@DirtMcTurd

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

@IGN

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

@ilovepie84

“LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!”

-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.

@steeve_again

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

@AndyAsAdjective

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

@BookisherBunny

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

@_salt_n_lime

Instead of “Here Comes the Bride,” they should play the Jaws theme song at weddings.

@Kid_topher

“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”

@BoobsRadley

“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.

@brendohare

Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)