Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”
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Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.