“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”

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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins


Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay



-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.


Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all


8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?


When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.


Instead of “Here Comes the Bride,” they should play the Jaws theme song at weddings.


“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”


“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.


Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)