@CJhooray

“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”

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@MustardSally1

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

@Dawn_M_

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

@truegritrumble

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

@Lottie_Poppie

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

@lilgapeach30

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.

@comer310

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

@bazecraze

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

@nerdreign

Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

@McGrumpenstein

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.