I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My what?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round