If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..
Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.