@pittdave13

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

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@AnOrangeSNES

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

@Smooheed

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@mjkspeaks

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

@copymama

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

@rachelle_mandik

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

@wendchymes

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

@shaztaberry

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

@Browtweaten

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

@capnwatsisname

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it