Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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Me: Same
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO