Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)