Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

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[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.


How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.


My 10 year old: “If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first.”

Me: “What?”


When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.


Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.


SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!


I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another


*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*