Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second