@mariokeyparty

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

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@BoomBoomBetty

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

@kendragaylord

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

@hunz74

My 10 year old: “If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first.”

Me: “What?”

@mrsmith196645

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

@Jarhead44

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

@TheToddWilliams

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

@Thynebear

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

@NrouteHQ

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*