Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
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Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.