Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

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I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.


My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.


A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.


They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.


Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.


Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.


You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice


You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.


Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.