Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
went fishing caught a bass
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries