@dksc4life

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

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@texasstalkermom

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

@casual_koala

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

@UnFitz

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

@turdfailure

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

@wendchymes

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

@Darlainky

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

@FloodyHippie

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.