4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
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“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”