“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”

yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting

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Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.


I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.



“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”


I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.


last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house ūüėÄ


Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.


ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name‚Ķit’s Gary, right?



Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.


AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]