@aholealex

“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”

yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting

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@SardonicTart

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

@TheCatWhisprer

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

@beardofprey

last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house ūüėÄ

@EdgarAllanLo

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name‚Ķit’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

@Izianikapani

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

@thepunningman

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]