Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
#FunnyLife Insects