Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
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*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.