To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏