Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.