@R0ckG0d88

Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

@ClichedOut

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

@dudehugs

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

@iwearaonesie

wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]
me:Good

@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@squirrel74wkgn

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

@lloydrang

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

@BrdnHatesYou

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

@causticbob

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

@ClichedOut

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.