STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.