@GibJimson

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

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@Tmoney68

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

@grammar_c**t

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

@BuckyIsotope

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

@vonTraphaus

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

@madeleinedoux

Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID

@Smafa

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

@AmishPornStar1

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really