Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

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Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I’ve had too much of you and I’m going to throw up.


GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell


“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”


My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.


Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned


No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.

-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.


If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.


My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.


english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me: ok
me: what is a pald


*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*