@GibJimson

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

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@dawny716

Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I’ve had too much of you and I’m going to throw up.

@FrazzleMyGimp

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

@mikescollins

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

@ericsshadow

My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

@Snarfernini

Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned

@BrownBoxers

No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.

-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.

@pplwtching

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

@1CleverClogs

My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.

@rancheroni

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

@nursemella

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*