Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.