@timdonakowski

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

@RidiculousSheri

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

@DadZZZasleep

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

@_The_Man__

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

@EndhooS

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

@DaddyJew

My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he’s brain dead

@mattZillaaaa

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen