Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.


I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.


wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]


Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?


“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?


“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”


My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he’s brain dead


Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep


WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen