Sees apostrophe after noun
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he’s brain dead
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen