Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
pizza
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.