Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
😏😏😏
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.