Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
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[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point