damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
You Might Also Like
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’