damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

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If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek


Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.


Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.


Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.


ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.


Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.


My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud


*2 days before payday*
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!


45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn’t die. I’ll turn it on next time.


*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..


I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.