“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
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Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.