Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Who wants to be my Valentine?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings